5 Deeply Embarrassing Things The News Keeps Doing

Our ability to share massive amounts of information too means we can share massive amounts of bullshit. Someone has to sorting through all that substance, actually investigate acts, and tell us if there’s got anything to that celebrity pup gender resounding your old college roommate won’t shut the fuck up about on Facebook. Unfortunately for pretty much all of society, modern journalism is merely like 2 percent lawful investigation, and 98 percentage farcical nonsense like …

5

Confusing Video Games With Real Life

We live in a distinct instant in biography — that sweet discern when video games are so reasonable and world is so ridiculous that it’s difficult for paid professionals to tell the difference between the two. For speciman, CNN recently ran a legend on Russian intruders that alleged to show us what a cyber attempt consider this to be 😛 TAGEND

CNN
Hackers still use require strands, right ?

Notice The Matrix -esque gibberish in the background? Sore-thumbed onlookers instantaneously recognise those epitomes, because they’d gazed at that accurate same screen for hours — it belongs to a word puzzle minigame from Fallout 4 . Come on, we are aware Russia has its difficulties, but it’s not a post-apocalyptic wasteland fairly hitherto. The footage has nothing to do with actual hacking, unless CNN acquired video games through less than legal means.

Reddit/ Poofylicious
Downloading activities from best-torrentz.ru counts as “Russian hacking, ” we guess .

Similarly, in an effort to better explain the intricacies of an upcoming SpaceX mission, CBC News helpfully added a computer simulation of a projectile platform …

CBC News

… which was actually footage from a cartoony video game called Kerbal Space Program that they ripped from YouTube. The game’s physics are considered affecting, but somehow we disbelieve astronauts would rely equations calculated by off-brand Minions.

Not to be outdone, Russia Today aired a report on child soldiers in Southern sudan that, instead of peculiarity an actual photo, used a screenshot from Metal Gear Solid V . You know, as if the internet wouldn’t recollect a game that sold well over six million transcripts.

But hey, at the least these terminals nailed the timeframe within a pair hundred years … unlike Danish video program TV2, which summarized a report on modern-day Syria with a screenshot of 12th-century Damascus from Assassin’s Creed . To be fair, the Assassin’s Creed activities are how we learned about Ben Franklin has become a horndog, so it’s not like they’re solely devoid of historical value.

4

Trying To Interpret “Teen Fads”

Since the information is principally watched by your mama, it kind of concludes sense that an exces sum of coverage is spent unraveling the great mysteries of boys. The question is that most columnists are 1) not boys and 2) seriously uncool, so it’s particularly easy for them to end up communicating suspect info to provide them by chortling boys. That’s exactly what happened in 1992, when The New York Times reported on essential “grunge-speak” words such as “swingin’ on the flippity-flop”( hanging out ), “cob nobbler”( loser ), and “bloated, large-scale purse of bloatation”( drunk ).

Since then, it’s only gotten more embarrassing. In 2014, CNN operated a comprehensive list of acronyms presumably used by sexually deviant boys get off over their Snapvinegrams — like IWSN( “I demand gender now” ), CU46( “see you for sex” ), PRON( “porn” ), and other depraved terms that no teen alive has ever abused unironically.

More recently, a Fox News affiliate lead a chilling live segment attempting to unravel the meaning of various emoji combinations. For speciman, skull+ arrow+ ignite conveys “I hope you die in a shoot, ” while frog+ noses+ flower apparently is translated into “I think you’re ugly and too I want to see you naked, let’s get high? ” The report sourced these systems to “cyber experts, ” which could intend anything from actual tech researchers to an intern who spent an afternoon say through Urban Dictionary.

While that report didn’t cover the meaning of the poop emoji, Fox News and other terminals had already been probed into agitating topics, like how babies are literally huffing shit to get high. As in, filling a bottle with poop and then sniffing it, which is known as “jenkem” … or, according to a dead-serious Fox anchor, “butt hash.” Needless to say, the whole story stank for more than one rationale. While there is a sad instance for this sort of concept in third-world countries, in America, the “craze” boiled down to one endured adolescent on a sense board abusing Nutella and flour to simulate poop liquor 😛 TAGEND

3

Finding Contrived Ways To Feature Scantily Clad Women

Did you know there’s public officials bikini epoch? Well, Fox News sure as hell retained, and they formed sure to give it thorough coverage 😛 TAGEND

This special date celebrates the invention of the bikini in 1946, an opportunity that several local and national information outlets used to comparison half-naked girls from 70 years ago to half-naked girls from today. Likewise, USA Today operated an impressively researched commodity detailing the most iconic “bikini moments” in pop culture — at last, we won’t look like such clowns the next time Grandma asks our views on Lindsay Lohan’s classic bikini/ alcohol anklet photo over Thanksgiving dinner.

Meanwhile, every article about Carrie Fisher looks compelled to include a photo of her in the gold slave bikini. We won’t even simulated we haven’t precipitated on this one, but 1) CNN should really be better than that, and 2) including articles about how she just died .

Find your monetary segment shortage something? Grit? Appeal? Misogyny? Why not pass a legend about sexy Hardee’s ads? A water park reopened in New Jersey? Be sure to send a reporter in a swimsuit to try it out, and awkwardly molested her on camera. Fright active volcano was just about to sprinkle fatality on some locals? Maybe there’s a “bikini-clad, daredevil surfer” adjacent!

We’re pretty sure that if a nuclear bomb went off today, cable information would do an in-depth investigate reporting under the bikini sunbathers just outside of the primary blast.

2

“Interviewing” Entities That Don’t Exist

Filling 24 hours of programming isn’t easy, so information terminals are always indebted when some expert is willing to come into the studio and freeing hot air out of their speak for five minutes. But what do you do when everyone’s hectic, and your farmer “re on your” ass to fill time? Easy: Just interview a goddamn puppet.

That’s literally what happened when Bill O’Reilly, whose The O’Reilly Factor was the most-watched cable news program in the U.S.A ., spoke with puppeteer Jeff Dunham’s dummies Walter and Peanut. The “interview” happened simply 12 epoches before the 2012 presidential election, but to be fair, they did plaster the subject at length( Walter is a Romney man and Peanut adores Obama, if you were wondering ).

And that segment glanced perfectly sane compared to a February 2008 volume of Fox Business’ Money For Breakfast program, where co-host Peter Barnes interviewed the light-green M& M. You know, the one everyone wants to fuck.

Notably, Barnes uttered his desire to find out if she used “chocolate or peanut” after sharing a glass of milk with her … all while impending world financial crisis information scrolled along the bottom ticker( the stock market hurtled 6 months later ). Naturally, Barnes is now the senior Washington correspondent for the Fox Business Network.

But what if articles of sense and corporate mascots are too dignified for your show? You can always interrogation corpses. Despite the author of the Declaration of Independence’s death roughly 200 years prior, Fox was able to “channel” Thomas Jefferson through author Stephen McDowell( who wasn’t even wearing the right wig ).

Given the implicit evaluate of his opinions, Zombie Jefferson was allowed to monologue his warnings for the present-day U.S.A. Among these projects, Jefferson cleverly equated the raiders from the Barbary Wars to “what today would be called Muslim terrorists.” Historian will certainly look to his speech as the greatest ever delivered by a lunatic outfit stockings on a daytime information video couch.

Not content to cause his co-workers have all the fun, John Stossel — winner of 17 Emmys for his video journalism — invited Republican congressman and then-2 012 Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul to come on his show and deliberation Barack Obama…’s impersonator. Nobama reverberated like he wasn’t sure if they hired him to toy the chairman or Kermit the Frog, so he tried to split the difference.

The “debate” afforded bountiful age for Paul to respond to the impersonator’s recitations of favourite Obama talking targets. But Paul’s targets , no matter how well-reasoned, seemed laughable when he went together with the satire. If Mitt Romney’s sizable violet doll constituency didn’t penalty Paul the Republican nomination, this segment surely did.

1

Prematurely Reporting On Stories

One of the central advantages of modern-day information is our ability to learn about floors as soon as they happen. One of the central impediments is … our ability to learn about floors as soon as they happen. New York Post is especially notorious with this sort of concept, reporting that 12 parties died in the Boston Marathon bombing( it was five ), calling a Saudi student as a doubt( he wasn’t ), and putting these two parties on a covering …

… because Reddit responded they might be the bombers( they weren’t ). In their security, the Post is sometimes awfully industrious in updating their floors when new information grows. For example, when they learned the San Bernardino shooters were of a specific doctrine, they experienced this warranted a whole new front-page headline 😛 TAGEND

Even other, more honorable Berths are prone to these types of misunderstandings. When there was a terror attack in Norway in 2011, a Washington Post help quickly denounced it on “jihadists” and put together a 700 -word article on how this supports we should continue the War on Terror. As it turned out, the terrorist was whiter than a Gap Outlet sale.

From Nancy Grace closing that the Duke Lacrosse Case students should forfeit their legal rights to Donald Trump calling for the execution of the Central Park Five, there’s a long tradition of media figures jumping to conclusions about people who turn out to be innocent( follower, can you see if hotheads like that had any real strength ?).

When French politician Dominique Strauss-Kahn was accused of rape, the media immediately travelled apeshit. The French media had had dubbed him “the Great Seducer, ” which, to be fair, is a pretty awesome title. The accuser afterwards acknowledged she lied and the case was settled out of field without an admission of remorse, but Strauss-Kahn probably isn’t constructing “Ministers ” anytime soon.

Now contrast this with how the national media treats their own: Accusations against Bill Cosby were underreported — or outright rejected — for years and years. BBC host Jimmy Savile’s sickening child molestation was an open secret for decades . But to be fair, we’re 90 percentage sure he wasn’t Muslim or a lacrosse musician, so how could anyone perhaps have known?

Jordan Breeding is a part-time scribe, a full-time sweetheart, and an all-the-time guitarist. Check out his clique at www.skywardband.com or on Spotify here .

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